Fat free sex

Who wants sex without strings?

“That’s an easy question,” said one of my good friends whose been in a (mostly) monogamous relationship for almost a decade. He continued, “Sex without strings is much easier. Sex doesn’t need to be intimate. Sometimes it’s just sex.”

“I used to think I just wanted a friend with benefits. Light and fun.” said my forty-something girlfriend/therapist. “But when I finally found someone I wanted to have sex with, I couldn’t bring myself to do it if it wasn’t going to lead to something more.” She’s now engaged to the man whom she had initially selected as her friend with benefits.

“Sex without strings is a nice idea,” said an engineer in his early thirties who was sipping margaritas at the beach bar behind the Seville in South Beach. “But it’s less fulfilling and someone always gets hurt”.

Mr. Engineer was flirting with a 29 year old California girl with long blond hair who said, “I was between relationships while finishing school and working a lot –way too busy for a relationship, but I needed sex. So I asked one of my guy friends if we could have sex as friends. No strings attached.” The bar silenced and the engineer smiled with anticipation, eager for her to continue.

“It was great for the first couple of weeks – so much fun! But then he started saying things like, “I want to wake up every morning with you. I’m falling in love with you.” During sex, mind you!

It was ruining the whole thing and I couldn’t enjoy it anymore. I liked him and we might have dated seriously at a later date but he couldn’t stick to our agreement so I had to end it!”

Min Jin Lee, a contributor to an anthology of women’s sexual writing called “Sugar in My Bowl” suggested that “for cosmopolitan singles, sex with intimacy appears to be neither the norm nor the objective.”

In many ways, sex without intimacy (strings) is easier. Fewer feelings means fewer complications and there’s less to lose when your heart’s not involved.

It’s like eating fat-free food. Sex without strings almost fulfills the craving. The experience isn’t as rich, but the consequences aren’t as steep.

On the other hand sex with intimacy is a full-fat molten chocolate cake. Complex and heavy with different textures and feelings. Firm and tender on the outside; moist and gooey on the inside; too many calories to count. The consequences will show on your thighs but the experience is worth it.

Or is it?

Has sex with intimacy lost its sparkle? Are people preferring fat-free sex because intimacy is too heavy? Is it just too much work?

“Yes!” exclaimed my husband Lawman. While laughing he continued, “I put so much work into making our relationship all it can be because I love you. But if you ever leave me because I didn’t do enough, I’m done with relationships. I’m not doing all this work with another woman.”

“Intimacy doesn’t have to be work,” said a real-life seduction coach. “I prefer sex with intimacy. Even if it’s just a one-night stand, I always try to make it intimate. Something as simple as taking her out to eat after sex makes the experience more intimate.”

Mr. Seduction continued, “When people say stupid stuff like, “I want to F@#K someone tonight!” they’re actually feeling like, “I want to be touched. I want affection.” Those are intimate feelings that many don’t know how to acknowledge or express. When people recognize the feelings that inspire them to seek sensual attention, intimacy becomes natural.

It took a tragedy to teach one of my girlfriends that sex without intimacy definitely has its limitations. While mourning the unexpected death of her friend, she called her ‘boy-toy’ for comfort. “I didn’t want sex, I wanted the guy to come over and comfort me…and you know my pride issues, so I told him it was real hard for me to ask for comfort and all the sidepiece said was “I will pray for you and his family.” What the hell! Now I must find a new sidepiece.”

When it comes to sex, most people experience different phases of intimate desire and I believe my grieving girlfriend has just entered the ‘looking for love’ phase after spending some time as a nooky nomad.

Nooky Nomads (NNs) are into exploring erogenous desires without any strings. NNs seeks sex for the sake of pleasure and aren’t trying to become attached. NNs enjoy experimentation and the excitement that comes from separating sex from emotions. People often become NNs after a traumatic break-up and the phase is usually short-lived and ends as soon as a serious search for love begins.

Love Lookers (LLs) believe they will find true love as soon as the right person comes along. They haven’t found ‘the one’ yet but think their soul-mate actually exists. LLs have fun and aren’t afraid to enjoy different partners while they practice combining intimacy and pleasure. Among LLs, sex is a cocktail of pleasure with a slice emotional security.

Spouse Seekers (SSs) only have sex when they think they will be with their partner forever. Sex and love are inseparable to SSs and sometimes their sexuality is questioned because they don’t pursue sex outside of serious relationships. Overwhelmed with guilt is how SSs feel if they indulge without being in a serious, committed relationship.

The movie “Friends with Benefits” does demonstrate a significant upside to sex without intimacy. During the lead characters’ first few sexual exchanges, they spend the entire session giving each other explicit instructions on how to please. The dialogue during those sex scenes sounded like this:

“Kiss my ear. No lower, a little higher and over to the right. Yes! You got it.”

“Lick it softer. What is wrong with you? Not so hard! Now lick lengthwise and just to the left. Finally! Yes!”

This level of honesty is unheard of in most new relationships because feelings are involved. Both partners are sensitive to the other’s need to feel successful in the sack. Shockingly, this silent approach doesn’t lead to the most fulfilling sex.

So if there’s one lesson that love lookers and spouse seekers can learn from nooky nomads, it’s that developing skills to discuss what you want in bed can lead to amazing sex. In the movie, amazing sex stirred up intimate feelings and the stars fell in love only after they mastered each other’s erogenous zones. Essentially, they transitioned from nooky nomads to spouse seekers.

So where’s all this leading to? If you have a friend with whom you feel comfortable sharing anything and accepts you when you’re just being yourself and accompanies you to get frozen yogurt so you can stick to your diet–Perhaps it’s time to replace that frozen yogurt with some full-fat ice cream and drip it all over your naked bodies. Picture that.