What’s your favorite form of foreplay?
“I love when a woman licks between my package and behind and I’m not ashamed to say it!” exclaimed an enthusiastic 33 year old attorney who had obviously indulged in several cocktails before we talked last Friday night. Loudly, he made sure everyone knew that he also loves it when a woman puts a finger ever so slightly into his anus to tickle his prostate. He urged me to print his name, age, occupation, and what he wanted in bed. While I wanted to honor his request, everyone at Smith and Wollensky’s bar had already heard his preferences when he shouted, and that seemed like more than enough punishment for one man to have during the hangover that would undoubtedly haunt his Saturday.
“Ugghhh, I can’t stand that,” said another man at the bar as he shivered at the thought of a finger in his butt. I just like it when she licks the balls. I don’t want her to go any further back there.” He looked like he had just seen a ghost.
“I’m not really into women going down,” said a guy in his late thirties. “I like lots of different sex positions and I love pleasing her any way she wants, but it doesn’t do anything for me when a girl goes down. Other parts of sex are more exciting. Problem is, some women have a hard time accepting this. They think they’re doing something wrong. One girl went so far as to watch porn movies so she could learn ‘expert’ techniques.
Did it work?
“No and neither did we.”
No matter how good someone is at going down, there are plenty of people who don’t like being licked down there. And it’s perfectly normal. Different strokes for different folks.
“I would rather just get to it,” said a pretty lady in her early thirties. “I’m always wondering what he’s doing down there and I get distracted, not turned on. I’m naturally wet when I’m excited and it feels better when he’s inside me. Just fits better that way.”
“It changes for me,” said a married woman eating with her husband. Sometimes I like for my husband to lick me very soft and slow and other times I want him to put his fingers inside as he licks me. Then there’s times when we use a vibrator to stimulate my clit while he licks me and/or uses his fingers.”
Wow. Is there more?
“Sometimes, he just spoons me and we start without much foreplay at all. It’s wonderful to be able to communicate what I want and vice-versa. It makes it better for both of us. I mean why waste time having sex if it doesn’t feel good?” Her man smiled proudly and nodded in agreement.
“I can’t really get into foreplay,” said a pretty woman in her early forties who was looking for love. “I don’t think I’m very good at it and I don’t know what it’s supposed to feel like when it’s performed on me so it just seems easier to avoid it.” I asked,” Why don’t you think you’re good?”
“Well I’ve never had any sexual experiences that resemble anything I’ve ever seen in a porn. And nothing has ever been done to me to make me respond like those porn stars. Maybe I’m just not sexual enough or I don’t know how to do the right thing.”
I reminded her that porn movies are produced to be profitable and people are paid to play a pretend role that is not based on reality. Dr. Marilyn Volker, the pioneer of sexology in South Florida, calls porn, “Fantasy Films.” Dr. Volker explained that many adults have sex problems because they believe that porn is real. As she bounced around the room, pretending to be really excited, she pointed out that, “In adult films, men and women are always ready for sex at the same time, but that’s a fantasy. Real life is not like that.”
Achieving sexual satisfaction in real life requires partners to communicate effectively about their sexual preferences. There are always potential new pathways to pleasure and sometimes an adult film can be educational in this regard.
One married man commented, “I watched lesbian porn and discovered some new techniques to try with my wife. I figured I might learn something new. Guess what? It worked! She loved it and even got a little suspicious about my new skills. But since I told her how I learned, she has no problems with me watching girl-on-girl porn.”
Every individual is different. Some moves will get one person all hot and bothered, but those same moves may just bother a different person. Continuous education is the key. Keep learning, keep trying, keep talking, and keep sexual intimacy as a priority.
One way to do that is to attend the forthcoming happy hour workshops I’ll be conducting in South Beach beginning in Spring 2012. The first session, “Master your man and wow your woman” will feature a panel of sexually diverse adults who will discuss different ways to pleasure your partner. You won’t want to miss it!
Come alone or bring your lover. I promise that the experience will make you laugh, learn, and feel comfortable discussing sex. It will also be fun! If you’re with your Sig O, the session will spark up an intimate conversation that will lead to better sex and start a pattern of better sexual communication.
Join the Sex in South Beach community at www.sexinosuthbeach.com to receive updates and learn about the world-class instructors teaching at Sex in South Beach School. We even have a porn star on the faculty who will teach real people how to include adult fantasy into their foreplay.
What can I say? Different strokes for different folks.